Listening to: various fans (I update mostly at night, it seems)
Drinking: water (it's not delicious anymore; it just is)
Off topic: My hair is now 2.5 inches long, longer than it's ever been (almost long enough to be androgynous). Should I finally cut it?
The last thing I wanted when making a dA was to turn my journal into some sort of, well, journal, replete with totally personal thoughts of a negative nature. So I'm fixing that with this entry, if only a bit.
I don't publish all of what I write; I keep more than one journal. So, what I post online is only what I come to after I've been writing a lot.*
The more I think about how I should change, the less time I spend on changing.
This isn't the first time I've said this, but... time to change.
I've been revisiting memories for the past four years to see if I can plot my general mood on a steady basis. It's working well so far; I've remembered a lot about how I was feeling at times and whether those feelings were genuine. (This tumblr is going to help in the future, I can see.) So I'm going to start drawing up mood charts and stuff. I'll probably post them here. In the beginning, they'll be a little empty, but I'll fill in the blanks as I go. (So far, I've noticed some definite manic spots. And definite depressive spots. Oh please no.)
Why? So I can see if there's a trend (so far, there is). And that way, narrow down what's wrong with me.
Because I can no longer deny that there's something very wrong with me. Very wrong. (I arrived at this conclusion with a ton of thought/a lot of unpublished writing*; believe me, it's not easy to say that and not erase it.)
That's the good news (no more denial/willing to fix this). The bad news is that I still don't know what. I'm closer to figuring it out, but I can only wait.
So, I'm learning to apply patience to myself. I've never been... forgiving, or caring, when it comes to me. But that needs to change. So I'm not going to drive myself into the ground anymore, even when learning why I drive myself into the ground. I'm also going to eat more, and so stop making enough rice and stir-fry for a week and then living off that#. I'm going to learn to be okay with myself; even though the thought of that kills me, I'm not dead yet; it's time to experiment.
Hopefully, I'm saying all of this because I genuinely want to... get better.
I've also been talking to a few friends of mine, connected tangibly and non-. They've helped in different ways.
Now. Although it's rather self-defeatist to consider the worst-case scenario, I can't help wondering if in a few months I'll crash again, as past mood analysis (ha, I sound like an amateur psychologist) suggests -- maybe I'm just going start feeling better, than feel positively awesome only to spiral down again. Let this be a record of this prediction, that at this point, I'm aware of personal danger and actually caring. Hopefully, there will be no problem, and I can point and laugh at this whole thing a few months from now. Hopefully. Because if it isn't, let this also be a record that at this point, I was open to the idea of professional help. Because most likely, if I collapse in on myself later, I won't be. Again. Sigh.
I keep talking about genuineness and the like because I'm not sure what that is anymore; whether what I'm saying is me, or how much of me is imbalances/imperfections/illness/whatever. Ecgh. I don't know what to think of myself anymore. But I'm trying to think positively/learn/grow, you know? WITHOUT falling apart anymore. And part of me realizes that this line of thought is utterly, completely, brand new, and that's exciting. So I'm willing.
SO! I'm thinking positively, and that's just great.
*I write a lot. It's easier than speaking. And it's easier to look at, compared to my thoughts.t
#I don't eat because I don't get hungry much (and I'm busy with other stuff/I forget). So I eat by clockwork... which is about once a day. Apparently, this is not healthy.
tFootnotes with footnotes. That's a pretty good description of my thoughts. I tend to look at many options/ideas/outcomes and compare them in a sphere of hypotheticals. It can become rather taxing and confusing. And it takes a while.